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Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love—and he's questioning Bush's judgment?!?" —Jay Leno

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"There was a really embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' Of course, there are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles, courting the Hispanic vote by speaking some Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off right in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall. Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry felt well enough to give the officers conflicting reports about what happened." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week. If Kerry is elected president, she'll be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry. He said, 'Sure we're getting older, but to me, she still looks like a million bucks!'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich... As opposed to John Kerry, who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing TV commercials to reelect the president, and the Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, "It is unconscionable to use the memory of a national tragedy in order to get elected... Unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to "take this country back" from the wealthy. Well who better than a guy worth $700 million? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons, at his castle in France... He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox—his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich. His wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and Teresa, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's "going after the wealthy" in this country, he's not just talking. He's actually doing it!" —Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was "the beginning of the end of the Bush administration." I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno
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