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674 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Pastor Jones was out on Wednesday night visitation. He had decided to visit Mrs. Smith, an elderly widow who had been housebound for many years.

As he sat talking with her, he kept helping himself to the dish of peanuts on the coffee table. After an hour of conversation he realized he'd eaten all the peanuts from the dish.

'I'm so sorry Mrs. Smith, I didn't mean to eat all your peanuts.'

'That's perfectly OK' she said 'ever since I got these new dentures, the best I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off them.'

EX Super Mod
5,317 Posts
:lmao: That was good:lmao: Here is another good one.

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500
and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well
be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow
and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"

He never heard the shot,
............... Funeral services are pending.........


4,173 Posts
durwood i dont know why but that joke makes me think of the governor Mcgreery...

Jody.. funny...

2 thumbs up

8,567 Posts
A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her than none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

:furious: :lmao: :furious: :lmao: :furious: :lmao: :furious: :spinsmile army

151 Posts
Mars and Venus

Here's something I had gotten a while back. I know you guys will love this one.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

1,077 Posts
Eight year old Johnny was taking a bath when his mother opened the door as he was drying off,. pointing to his testicales he asked Mom are these my brains???? and Mom said not yet honey...

EX Super Mod
5,317 Posts
Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our
Customers Come
First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had
come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!

EX Super Mod
5,317 Posts
Cajun Writes To Kerry

Since there has been a little political talk on the net I thought some of you might be interested in this letter that was forwarded to me by my buddy Cooter, down at the bait shop.

Dear Senator Kerry:

I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself.

Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you. (More, if you want them. Let us know.)

1. QUIT TELLING US THAT YOU SERVED IN NAM. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, just four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that in chow lines in Nam.

2. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We understand.

mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreaux can speak French too, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, and make up our own minds.

4. BRAG ABOUT YOUR GOOD LUCK IN SNAGGIN' NOT ONE, BUT TWO RICH WIVES. Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the Bayou Blue boat landing. Smilin' Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Ti Boy and Dickweed, who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials, but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle at how we could be fishin' all day without a worry about where the money is coming from, just like you. You don't have to cook all of that ketchup, do you? Come on; tell the world how lucky you are. We here in South Louisiana respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune, even if he's a politician.

5. GO TO THE WRASSLIN' MATCHES AND HUSTLE VOTES. We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. Man, you got some good moves, yeah! It looks like you already know how to take a fall. All of us here (except GooGoo Gondron and Tib Thibodeaux) are great fans of wrasslin'. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Choupique Chastant is a wrasslin’ maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. Don't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your many living rooms. Weren't none of us that recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. TELL US SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE FOR. We already know what you're against.

7. QUIT BOWING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE U.N. AND PROMISING TO GO THERE FIRST THING, IF YOU ARE ELECTED PRESIDENT. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you are. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, like BILLIONS OF DOLLARS that was skimmed off that just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8. QUIT FLIP-FLOPPING. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax increase on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence in you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with, especially since you've missed 89% of the roll call votes this year.

9. QUIT TELLING US HOW POOR AND UNEMPLOYED WE ARE. We got indoor toilets, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us Cajuns some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the distinct feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. GET IN TOUCH WITH THE REAL AMERICA. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in the primaries. You still seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a politician too long, been campaigning too long, and you need a break after
the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there. Y'all don't have to get tattooed. We promise.

Sincerely, Cooter

EX Super Mod
5,317 Posts

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
un-characteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "It worked for your butt, didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man

151 Posts
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they wish they hadn't said:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that are serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Premium Member
1,394 Posts
Things you will never hear a southern man say!

36. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
34. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
33. We don't keep firearms in this house.
32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
31. You can't feed that to the dog.
30. I thought Graceland was tacky.
29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
28. Wrestling's fake.
27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
26. We're vegetarians.
25. Do you think my gut is too big?
24. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
23. Honey, we don't need another dog.
22. Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?
21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
15. The tires on that truck are too big.
14. I'll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.
13. I've got it all on the C: drive.
12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
7. Checkmate.
6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
2. You all.

And, Number ONE:

1. Duct tape won't fix that.

Premium Member
4,116 Posts
2funny Great way for me to start the day! Thanks ALL!

674 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"


"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for a five."

1,569 Posts
While recovering from by-pass surgery, former president Clinton has a
heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where he meets the devil.
The Devil says, "I got a problem Bill and I don't know what to do here."
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, I'll even let
you decide who leaves but YOU have to take their place. ."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. Inside was former president Hubert Humphrey
and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over
and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Bill said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was former president LBJ with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
Commented Mr. Clinton.

The devil opened the third and final door. Inside, Bill saw JFK lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Marilyn Monroe, doing what Monica Lewinsky does best.
Clinton looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

"The devil smiled and said.... "OK Marilyn, you're free to go!!

674 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
You Know You're a Redneck, When...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your
father made it.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool
Whip on the side.

22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
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