tractor beam

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or

motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

chrpmaster

Good stuff Chris. I think I saw a version of these a while ago but its always fun to laugh at the classics.

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tractor beam

I put it up for my wife to read......................She was not amused.

evanh121

i like that

farmertim

From the Good Housewife guide 1955;
Rule 1 – Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time, for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Rule 2 – Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Rule 3 — Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Rule 4 — Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Rule 5 — Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Rule 6 — Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Rule 7 — Be happy to see him.

Rule 8 — Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Rule 9 — Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Rule 10 — Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Rule 11 — Your goal: Try to make your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Rule 12 — Don’t complain if he comes home late to dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Compare this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day.

Rule 13 — Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Rule 14 — Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Rule 15 — Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house, and as such, will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Rule 16 — A good wife always knows her place.

1955 Good Housewife's Guide

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Einsteins theory of insanity; doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result

G'day from Tim in Australia.

farmertim

now I will go and remove the TV remote from my Rectum.

__________________
Einsteins theory of insanity; doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result

G'day from Tim in Australia.

wjjones

I plea the 5th..

HickoryNut

My wife got upset I blamed it on TractorBeam.

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wjjones

If my wife sees this i will do the same......

Thomas

Let the Mrs. see this..that's good way to met God.

rsmith335

TB What were you thinking posting that?Do you have any idea what kind of crap that will stir up? If I right,rember you straightend me out about who writes the rules. I'm going to have to replace my hard drive now. Where were the moderators, I was watering the garden, unbelivable, 30 plus inches of rain back 6 weeks ago and now 90 plus degres. Oh, back to the problem with TB's post. We just can't let this kind of stuff go on. Only the layers will win. Gosh TB!

tractor beam

I read Tims bit and my eyes glazed over. Was there ever a time?

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For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. _______________________________________________ Some say I have a bad attitude...... "Screw them!"

kau

I liked rule one, except what am I thinking about?

Usually nothing. I'm a simple creature.

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farmertim

I just want rule 7 to apply some of the time!!!!

__________________
Einsteins theory of insanity; doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result

G'day from Tim in Australia.

TennDirtdigger

Rule 8. would allow me to die a happy man....lol.....but it has to work both ways!!!!
....Use too, my wife would do several of those things and would often express openly that she didn't like the women's movement of being treated the same as men. She liked me getting the door for her....pulling out her chair....putting her first in everything...but I can see that slowly changing....Not long ago, she mentioned I had failed to put her first in a certain matter.....I told her that I loved her dearly and if having theses so called equal rights is important to her, I want her to have everything she desires.....I was on her s!!t list for three months....lol...I love her more than life itself....but I won't let her have it both ways...

smiley4jc

Ok guys! Let a woman speak now! lol

IF we do these things for you...it's because we WANT to...not because we HAVE to. We're like cats...if we love you, if we sit in your lap, if we bring your supper to you...it's because we want to. Tick us off...well...you know what that means!

Y'all are pitiful! ;-)

kau

Agreed. It's nice to have a ladies opinion.

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Thomas

"Y'all are pitiful! ;-) "

Nope,just full of fear and common sense.

farmertim

Happy wife - happy life??????

__________________
Einsteins theory of insanity; doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result

G'day from Tim in Australia.

wjjones

I still plea the 5th...